Hug Them, Kiss Them, Tell Them You Love Them...NOW!

This is not the blog I was going to write. I was going to write about working in multi-generational workplaces but then the call came. It wasn't at 3 a.m., but it might as well have been. My friend's daughter... in her early 30s, a ob/gyn doctor....model gorgeous...is dead. How can that be? I remember the joy on her amazing face as she grabbed her diploma and they called her "Doctor." The baby girl had grown up into a woman ready to take on the world. And now she's dead. 

Many years ago I was teaching a class for women who were going back into the paid workforce. One woman had lost her beloved husband a mere month before entering our workshop. They had been married for ten years, worked together, played together, had a perfect life. Then on Christmas eve, he got up from his chair to walk over to her and dropped dead. He was 39. When I met her she was joyful, upbeat and always laughing. My colleague and I couldn't believe it. W here was her grief? I asked and what she told me was life changing. "Nothing was left undone. When we argued we argued but then we got over it. We told each other we loved each other, we played, we enjoyed each other. When we were together we were together.  Would I like more time with him?  Of course! But there was nothing undone so I have no regrets. I don't think...if only we had. If only I hadn't..I wish I could..." 

My kids and friends sometimes think I'm nuts because I tell them I love them all the time. I hug every chance I get. But events like today's convince me how important those hugs and love are. What if this really is the last time you ever see or speak to that person? Is the conversation or interaction you just had the one you want to be the last one ever? Will you live with guilt or regret for the rest of your life because you were angry or said something hurtful...and now it's too late? 

We never think,  "Today's the last day." We always think we have tomorrow or next week or next year. We think we'll punish them just a bit longer. "They'll be sorry. They'll come crawling back." Or we'll get another chance to make it up to them.  But sometimes we don't.  The car crashes, the heart stops, the unthinkable happens.  And for the rest of our lives we think..."if only..." 

Don't let that happen to you. Find the people you love, you admire, even those you just like a lot...and let them know.  Hug them, kiss them, tell them how much they mean to you, how much you love them.  Do it and do it now. You never know what you'll learn from the next phone call.  

What the Heck Is "Post Racial?"

I happened upon one of those TV shows where they build a house from the ground up. They introduced the architects, designers, plumbers and construction boss. Everyone was White. Sigh. I notice things like that. I go to movies and look for diversity. I've been known to not watch popular TV shows because everyone is White, straight or without disabilities (Friends, anyone?). Look for yourself. Turn on TV and examine network series. See how far we haven't come. And when the cast is diverse, usually the non-White characters are in supporting roles. 

Since Barak Obama was elected President, I've heard we're living in a "post racial" society. I think that's supposed to mean race is no longer something we need to pay attention to. It means that not only are we the most diverse country in the world but we're the most fairly diverse country. Now that we have a Black President anyone of any race can be whatever they want, so they say. Really? No, I mean, really?

If that's the case, why can't a person of color talk about how race affected something without being accused of "playing the race card?" Why is there exactly one Black senator in the U.S. Congress? How many CEOs of Fortune 500 companies are Black? (Hint, it's less than the number of your fingers.) Presidents of universities that aren't Historically Black? Shall I continue?

Perhaps it's true the younger generation looks at race without the biases of their parents. But culture, beliefs and practices are passed down from parents to children. Very often, so are racial biases. So although I'm willing to listen to "our kids are different" I'm not buying it completely. However let's assume for a moment it is true. If we are over race, one would think we would be able to talk about racial issues like we do, oh say cancer or money or sexual dysfunction...things that used to make us uncomfortable but no longer do because we are "over" them. But most commonly, Blacks and Whites can't talk about race. Most Whites deny racial profiling exists even though there is ample evidence to show it happens. (One honest former cop I know said simply, "Of course we profiled!") Most Whites blame the lack  of top-level Blacks to individual factors. Most Whites refuse to acknowledge that in study after study, when all else is equal: Blacks are granted fewer mortgages, are offered fewer interviews if  their names sound Black, are falsely told apartments are unavailable when they are available, are given longer sentences for crimes than are White criminals. 

Even if we are individually less racially biased, our institutions sustain a system that favors Whites over Blacks. If we want to be post racial we will change our institutions so everyone will have equal opportunities for success and the structural racism in our systems that supports discrimination, profiling and other racially based impediments is eliminated. As a country we have made tremendous progress, there is no doubt about that. But the success of a few people, be it Oprah, Obama or Jordan is just that...the success of a few. When we have so many CEOs, presidents and millionaires of color that we can't remember their names, then you'll have a good argument for the U.S. being post racial. Until then I'll be the one, sitting in the corner of the movie theatre, counting.