Happy New Year...Now Change Yourself

The new year is often a time for assessment and re commitment. We look over the previous year and decide how to improve ourselves. Then we make a commitment to change...lose weight, look for a new job, spend more time with the family. 

Self-assessment is great but honestly, how many of us actually implement those changes? It's difficult. I've heard it takes over 20 tries to change a habit. Some say even more...up to 40. If you've decided to drink water and not pop, it will take you at least 20 instances of reaching for pop and telling yourself, "No, I really want water" to automatically reach for it. If there is an addiction (caffeine, tobacco, food, etc.) it takes longer. Note, the change of habit from pop to water involves replacing one item with another. That's complicated enough. But what happens if we decide to change a psychological "habit?" We may say we need to spend more time with family and less time at work but why aren't we doing that already? Perhaps long hours at work are expected and we're afraid to violate the norm. Perhaps we feel more appreciated or competent at work than at home. How do we change these behaviors, especially if it involves facing an ugly truth...we would rather be at work than at home or we are afraid, or we're not who we say we are?

Another aspect of change involves the people who surround us. I once worked with a man whose daughter, in a fit of pique, told him he was unbelievably sexist. He was shocked and asked his wife, another daughter and secretary if it was true. They all said it was. He decided to transform himself. Most of the females in his life were delighted but some were not. Many of his male colleagues were angry. Some ostracized him while others actually tried to sabotage his career. It was a very difficult time for him but he knew he was doing the right thing so he continued. 

To be successful we must prepare for what we're likely to face. You forgot to call home today, do it tomorrow. Then try another 20 times. That cookie? What's on hand to replace it? (It has to be something you like!) Trying to be less sexist, racist, classist or just a better person? Expect people to be critical, to ask what you're trying to do, to make fun of you, to not understand. When that happens, find people who appreciate you. But whatever happens, don't let it stop you. A small step is better than no step. If everyone in the world improved just a little, the change would be massive. You can start the process.

Oh, and that sexist man? He eventually won an award from a national woman's magazine for creating an exceptional workplace for women. 

Keep your marriage away from mine.

Several weeks ago Sue emailed that Denise, her partner of well over 20 years, had died. The final sentence in the email was, "At least we were able to get married." That sentence haunts me. Something I take for granted was a precious gift to them. I've been married for over 30 years and in that period of time I've been friends with I don't know how many gay and lesbian people. I've been married...and them? In most places they are like Scarlett O'Hara...dependent upon the kindness of strangers.

The fragility of my friends' situations struck me about four years ago when Cathy needed major surgery. June asked me to accompany her to the hospital to wait with her. The check-in nurse wanted to know June's relationship to Cathy. In other words, if something happens can I legally tell you? Fortunately Cathy was at a "gay friendly" hospital in a city with a Human Rights ordinance which forbids discrimination based upon sexual orientation and June was treated as Cathy's next-of-kin. However, in another city, another hospital, Cathy and June's experiences could have been completely different. Cathy could have been denied the one person she wanted to see, the one person who could offer the love and comfort she needed to recover. Fortunately it didn't happen to them, but it has happened to others all over the country.

The United States prides itself on being a country of equality and fairness, yet many of us feel treating gay men and lesbians unequally and unfairly is ok. An increasing number of other countries don't agree. According to About.com, as of November 2008 gay/lesbian marriages are legal in Canada, Netherlands, Belgium, Norway, South Africa and Spain. Both Spain and Belgium have majority Catholic populations (75% and 47% respectively). These six countries are democracies with some of the highest standards of living in the world. The fundamental character of these countries hasn't changed since they've legalized gay/lesbian marriages.

Several years ago my good friend Miller came out to me. At the end of the conversation he laughed a deep, satisfied laugh and I realized that I hadn't heard that sound in years. The strain of hiding who he was, even from good friends, was so great that he could never completely relax. Miller is a hard working, kind, generous, funny and very Catholic man. What he wanted then was for his heterosexual friends love him as he is... as God made him.. gay. What he wants now is to love someone just as heterosexuals do... pledging his faithfulness and love in front of friends and family in a marriage ceremony so he never has to worry about being legally kept from his beloved. How can that be wrong? "At least we were able to get married."

Joe the Plumber vs. the auto workers, part II

The last post questioned why we seem to be picking on the autoworkers these days.  The question is even more relevant today as it looks like the auto industry bailout is in trouble. The AP reports the opponents of the bailout are demanding "major labor givebacks and debt restructuring at the companies, and (are) encourag(ing) them to declare bankruptcy."

A few weeks ago I heard a Congressman complaining about $75 hour autoworkers who should stop being selfish and who should "make concessions."  Today those concessions have been kicked up a notch to "major givebacks" and bankruptcy.  The problem is, I don't know where the $75 hour autoworkers are. If they ever existed, they are no more.  The overtime that contributed to large salaries is gone.  Medical benefits are being cut.  Employees are expected to contribute more to maintain quality benefits.  Workers are being laid off.  Retirement funds are in jeopardy.   In other words, the unions have been making concession so frequently I'm surprised there is anything left to consider.  But now they are, once again, being asked to give.

Are these workers greedy because they don't want to give anymore?  I suppose they are greedy...for a living wage, health insurance they can afford, a retirement package that actually allows them to retire.  A few years ago I got into an argument with a colleague over the news that one auto parts supplier was giving its employees a choice -- a massive pay cut or the closing of the plant.  The employees finally agreed to the paycut, a cut which took them to a salary of between $10 and $20 per hour.  Tell me, how do you support your family on $25,000 a year, especially when a few months ago you were making twice that?  My colleague argued they were lucky to still have a job.  Why?  Why were they lucky to work as hard or harder than before (since there were fewer workers) for less pay and fewer benefits?  The work wasn't any easier.  With fewer workers the stress level was higher.  And yet these workers were accused of being greedy and selfish for fighting the cuts.  Today some people have gone so far as to suggest the auto industry is largely responsible for the collapse of the economy.  By the "auto industry" they mean the autoworkers.  

On the other hand we have "Joe the Plumber."  Why is this blue-collar man a "true American hero" but my UAW neighbor is not?  Joe certainly may represent the "average American" but so does my friend's father who spent his lifetime coming to work everyday, working hard for the auto industry -- working hard to support his family.  What is the difference? We say we want our tax dollars to help "Main Street, not Wall Street" but when it comes to actually sending money to hard working taxpayers right here in middle America, we act as if wanting a decent salary and good medical benefits is a sin...unless you're a self-employed plumber, of course.

I truly don't understand.  Is it that as a society we are so individualistic that we feel that a person who has a union to fight for him or her is somehow "less" of an American than someone who doesn't?  Joe the Plumber vs.  Joe the Autoworker is Joe the individual vs. Joe a group member.  Is that what it is?  My friend suspects it's a class issue.  Certainly the difference in oversight standards between the banking bailout and the proposed auto industry bailout could be.  But plumbers vs. autoworkers a class issue?  It doesn't make sense.  Is there an explanation?  If you know, let me know.  As Rachel Maddow would say, "talk me down."  I need help.  

Joe the Plumber vs. the auto workers, part I

In October the U.S. government approved up to $700 billion for a bailout of the banking industry.  Treasury secretary Paulson said the government "regretted...having to take these actions" but it was necessary to restore confidence in the financial system.  (MSNBC online) The bailout money was given with virtually no oversight required.

Today the NY Times online reported " the White House and Democratic Congressional leaders said...they were close to agreeing on the terms of a $15 billion government rescue of the American automobile industry that would be directed by one or more appointees of President Bush and would impose expansive federal oversight of the auto companies."

Wait...the banks get $700 billion with no oversight but the auto industry has to show a viable restructuring plan and will have an auto "czar" overseeing it?  Oh, and let's not forget the concessions the unions are being asked to make.

I understand that once burned, twice shy.  As a taxpayer I like the idea that someone noticed that maybe it isn't such a great idea to give away massive amounts of money with no strings attached.  But I'm becoming increasingly disturbed by what I see as the different standards for white-collar vs. blue-collar industries.  The auto industry is asking for $15 billion to save over a quarter of a million mostly blue-collar jobs. The banking industry is in line to get $700 billion.  Any jobs saved will be white-collar.

Don't get me wrong.  I think there is plenty to be upset about with the U.S. auto industry.  It often seems one beat behind.  Large gas burners when gas prices are soaring.  "Greener" vehicles years after Toyota. You know the list.  But the thing is...the auto workers are not responsible for those decisions, the auto execs are.  And to be perfectly fair, I may believe the vehicles the U.S. automakers produce are hopelessly out-of-touch, but there are millions of people who happily and loyally drive their U.S. made cars.  (My parents never bought a car that wasn't U.S. made and they loved almost every single one of them.)

What does this have to do with Joe the Plumber?  I'll get to that tomorrow.  

Welcome and Coming Soon

Welcome to my blog!

In my daily life I am a trainer and internal consultant for a large public university. My passion, however, is helping people from differing backgrounds to talk and perhaps get to know each other a bit better. I specialize in domestic U.S. cultural issues, unlike my colleagues throughout the world who work internationally. Collectively we call ourselves interculturalists...people who work between cultures trying to bring them closer together.

Check back periodically for my thoughts, rants, book recommendations and maybe even some ideas that may help us all "just get along."