Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Life: Is It All About Loss?

I've been thinking about losses a lot. It seems I'm surrounded by losses. The loss of a child (three of them within a few months); loss of a job leading to a loss of a sense of identity; the loss of colleagues;  the loss of a relationship that you thought would go on forever; loss of memory; the loss of one's ability to be independent. These are all situations faced by people I know personally. On the world stage, the loss of freedom, cultural icons, the ability to return home. The most recent is an announcement made by the president of a professional organization I belong to about the arrest of the husband of a colleague. We may, at some point, find out where he is and how he is.

Recently I've found myself asking if this is how it was supposed to be. Aren't we, at some point, supposed to be settling into old age, relatively secure, surrounded by grandchildren?  How the hell did it get this difficult? And then I wonder, how did we get to the point where we believe it is our right to be happy, to not have to face the cold truth that life is about struggle and loss, as well as winning and love?

Have we, in our cultural blindness...in our absolute certainty that we can control or fix it all...have we deluded ourselves about what life is really like?  We've been known to mock cultures that are fatalistic where people believe what happens happens and they have no control over it. It's in God's hands. Yet, when it comes right down to it, isn't that the real truth? If they no longer love you, if the heart stops beating, if there is truly no more money and no more jobs, isn't it in someone else's hands, not our own? What's the difference?

Sometimes lately I've felt that life is just too heavy, too much.  I want to curl up in my bed and hide my head and yell, "Get me when it gets better!!!!" The thing is, it doesn't get better. Or does it? I told someone today that I find myself living either in the past or the future, not the present. Thinking about what "was" is depressing. Worrying about what "will be" is crazy-making. What does that leave us? Now? 

This morning I went for a walk with a beloved friend and then we sat and talked for a long time. I had the rest of some killer dirty rice we made for dinner four days ago. My mouth danced when the sausage hit the taste buds. Now I'm going to take a hot shower and go to sleep...two things I love doing. Maybe that's what we need to do amongst all these losses...focus in on what's happening this moment...the one piece of beauty or joy in this moment.  Maybe then these losses we all seem to be carrying will become lighter. They won't go away because I think I'm finally learning that life really is hard, brutal and often cold, but lighter is good. "Lighter" I may be able to survive with my humor and sense of hope at least partially intact. I'm trying anyway. I'll let you know how it goes.