Saturday, August 22, 2009

Age Ain't Nothin But A Number

Two weeks ago my cousin called and told me her father had died. It's not that we weren't expecting it...he had been ill and going downhill for some time. Expectation and reality are often not the same, however. I could hear the grief and shock in her voice. When my mother died, my cousin was there for me, so I had to be there for her. I would go to Texas for the funeral.

My brother and I talked.  What about dad? Al was his next closest brother in age, the one he grew up with. But dad is 91 and, although a world traveler in the past, he has pretty much given up airplanes. We decided I would drive to Buffalo where dad lives and then fly with him to San Antonio. When I arrived in Buffalo, dad was his typical self. He lugged a rather large suitcase up from the basement and was busy laying out clothes. He called the taxi company to arrange for pickup the next morning at 4 am. By the time we went to bed, he had made arrangements for the paper and had methodically gone around the house and disconnected all the electronic devices in case of storms. In the taxi, he told the driver the route to take to the airport and kept a hawk-like eye on the meter to make sure we weren't being overcharged. 

And then we hit the airport. Dad is a small man...dapper and good looking with an amazingly beautiful head of wavy grey hair. His main problem is he has a difficult time walking long distances because of problems with his feet. Not knowing how far we had to walk between gates, I had ordered a wheelchair for him. Apparently wheelchair = invisible. Wheelchair and elderly = invisible and stupid.  Although not an actual conversation, our interactions with airline personnel, wait staff, taxi drivers and other random people went something like this. 

Looking at me. "Do you want a wheelchair?"
Me, looking at them. "I don't know, ask him." 
Them, still looking at me. "You ordered a wheelchair.  Do you want it?"  
Me (annoyed now), "I don't know.  Why don't you ask him? He's the one who's going to use it!"
Then, finally looking at him. "SIR!" "DO.....YOU....WANT....A.....WHEELCHAIR?"
When he replied, "No" once again, I was the one consulted.  "He said no. Do you want the wheelchair?"
My father is 91 with bad feet.  He's not stupid nor invisible. 

I realize my father is rather extraordinary. He's learned how to use a computer within the last 6 or so years.  He drives and lives alone. He can talk science, politics or wines with the best of them and he should have his own night time talk show, he's so funny. Most people, especially the elderly, aren't up to his speed.  However, it's the assumption I saw people making that ticked me off. That assumption is that because he needs assistance getting around, or because he is older, he is incapable of speaking for himself. Seeing people's reactions to him when they finally did "see" him and let him talk was hilarious. Partially it's because he's so funny but also because they realized he could talk for himself. Once that happened, he was no longer invisible and they treated him as the capable person he is.

My question is, why did he have to face that level of disrespect first, merely because of his age? (We could also ask that same question about anyone who faces the same treatment because of race, religion, sexual orientation, etc.)  Why do people assume that once someone reaches a particular age (and what age might that be?) that he or she has become childlike? A loss of hearing or a slow walk or bent back or poor feet don't immediately equate to a loss of intelligence or self-awareness.  

So this is what I ask.  The next time you interact with an elderly person, don't assume anything. Speak up if need be, slow down if need be (this is true whenever you're interacting with someone with a hearing loss....or who may not speak your language as a native). Assist them as they move, if need be. But don't equate loss of physical agility with loss of mental capability. What you're seeing at that moment may represent only a small fraction of who that person is and what she or he is capable of doing. If that's not enough to convince you, remember with some luck you'll be there soon enough yourself....how do you want to be treated?